Raising your child correctly: simple tips. “Vinagrette approach” or What is the main thing in motherhood? The main thing in raising a child

Elena Golushkina
The main thing in raising a child.

The main thing in raising a child

The child grows up like this what his environment makes him. A bad example is contagious. Unfortunately, many adults serve it to children. In the same queues, in transport, in other crowded places. Looking at us, mothers and fathers, grandparents, our children and grandchildren behave the same way, they copy the actions of adults, repeat their words. Having become tough and merciless towards strangers, they will treat their loved ones in the same way. And with age, it will be more difficult to change the existing stereotype of behavior.

“Just think, someone there cried because of a rude word, or grabbed his heart, or stumbled from a push,” these people will reason. And looking at them, children will judge the same way. After all, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

A person really needs a merciful attitude. The tree withers because it is set on fire, branches are broken off, and the bark is torn off. And a person withers from rude words, indifference, selfishness and callousness, from the fact that his self-esteem is violated.

Did you talk to kid that you should walk along the street so as not to push people, to give way to elders? Did they explain to him that it was indecent to run onto the bus and take an empty seat, that he needed to look around and see if there was someone more in need of him.

A child is a person, a person like you - with pride, his own concept of goodness and honesty.

People don’t easily admit their mistakes, maybe that’s why they don’t like words "Sorry", but, having gotten used to saying it, they behave more carefully and prudently. It just seems that life is easier for those who are louder, who have stronger elbows, who are callous and tactless. It is easier for gentle and merciful people to live in the world. Yes, they often suffer from their delicacy and softness. But they are rich in goodwill towards others, as well as friendship between people. Evil, no matter how cruel it is, is short-lived.

If there are normal friendly relations at home, then no street will make child callous.

If any of the fathers and mothers still thought that they the main task is to feed, put on shoes, dress, do everything to the child was not sick, and the rest will follow as if by itself, this is a gross mistake. Main- teach him to be human.

Publications on the topic:

Consultation “On nurturing a culture of child behavior in the family” About a person who is polite, attentive to others, modest, and knows how to behave beautifully, we say: “A well-mannered person.” Skill.

The role of the family in raising a child. Consultation for parents It all starts with family. What should a child know about the concept of “family”, and what is the role of the family in raising a child? Family is home, where...

Consultation for parents “The role of the mother in raising a child” A woman is the “heart” of the family, its emotional leader. She creates good relationships between all family members, maintains its unity and cohesion.

Consultation for parents “The role of the family in the physical education of the child” Of great importance for the proper physical education of children in the family is the attitude of parents to issues of healthy living. The concept of "healthy"

Consultation “The role of the family in raising a child” Consultation “The role of the family in raising a child” Zavgorodnyaya Svetlana “raising children is the most important area of ​​our lives. Proper education.

The role of the father in the moral education of the child Since ancient times in Rus', the father was considered a protector, breadwinner and an indicator of the spiritual state of the family. Today, due to difficult economic conditions,...

The role of the family in the patriotic education of a child Childhood is an everyday discovery of the world, and therefore it must be done so that it becomes, first of all, the knowledge of man and the Fatherland, their beauty.

All parents raise their children to the best of their ability and understanding of life and rarely think about why in certain situations they act this way and not otherwise. However, every mother has moments in her life when the behavior of her beloved child is perplexing. Or maybe adults themselves, using radical methods of education, do something that later makes them feel ashamed.

You are not alone in your mistakes; all parents make them from time to time. But it’s always better to learn from other people’s mistakes, isn’t it?

The first mistake is promising not to love again

"If you don't be what I want, I won't love you anymore"

Parents' opinion:

Why do children so often argue about any of our requests? Maybe they are doing it to spite us, what should we do? Call for common sense? Yes, they simply do not hear what adults tell them. Threaten? This no longer works. In such cases, many use a kind of trump card: “Now mommy won’t love you anymore.” How often do many of us say this phrase.

Psychologists' opinion:

A promise not to love your baby anymore is one of the most powerful parenting tools. However, this threat is usually not carried out. And children perfectly sense falsehood. Having deceived once, you can lose the child’s trust for a long time - the child will perceive you as deceitful people.

It is much better to say this: “I will still love you, but I do not approve of your behavior.”

The second mistake is indifference

"Do whatever you want, I don't care"

Parents' opinion:

Why bother? Argue, look for arguments, prove something to the baby, get nervous? The child must learn to solve his own problems. And in general, the child must be prepared for adult life, let him quickly become independent. And he will leave us alone.

Psychologists' opinion:

You should never show your child that you don’t care what he does. The baby, sensing your indifference, will immediately begin to check how “real” it is. And, most likely, the test will consist of committing initially bad actions. The child waits to see whether the offense will result in criticism or not. In a word, a vicious circle. Therefore, it is better, instead of ostentatious indifference, to try to establish friendly relations with your child, even if his behavior does not suit you at all.

You can say, for example, like this: “You know, on this issue I completely disagree with you. But I want to help you because I love you. Any time you need it, you can ask me for advice.”

Mistake Three: Too Much Severity

“You have to do what I told you because I’m the boss of the house.”

Parents' opinion:

Children must obey their elders unquestioningly - this is the most important principle in education. Discussions are not allowed here. It doesn’t matter how old the child is - 6 or 16 years old. Children should not be given any concessions, otherwise they will finally sit on our necks.

Psychologists' opinion:

Children must understand why and why they do something. Too strict upbringing, based on principles that are not always clear to the child, resembles training. A child can unquestioningly do everything when you are around, and “don’t care” about all the prohibitions when you are not around. Conviction is better than strictness. If necessary, you can say this: “Now you do as I say, and in the evening we will calmly discuss everything - why and why.”

Mistake four: children need to be spoiled

“I guess I'll do it myself. My baby can’t handle it yet.”

Parents' opinion:

We are ready to do everything for our baby, because children should always receive the best. Childhood is such a short time, so it should be wonderful. Morals, failures, dissatisfaction - we have the power to save children from all difficulties and troubles. It’s so nice to guess and fulfill any child’s wish.

Psychologists' opinion:

Spoiled children have a very hard time in life. You cannot keep your only child under the hood of parental love; this can lead to many problems in the future. Believe me, when parents remove literally every pebble from the baby’s path, it doesn’t make the child feel any happier. Rather, on the contrary, he feels completely helpless and alone. “Try to do it yourself, and if it doesn’t work out, I’ll be happy to help you,” is one of the options for a wise attitude towards your daughter or son.

Mistake five - imposed role

"My child is my best friend"

Parents' opinion:

A child is the most important thing in our lives, he is so smart, you can talk to him about everything. He understands us, just like a real adult.

Psychologists' opinion:

Children are ready to do anything to please their parents, because for them dad and mom are the most important people in the world. Kids are even ready to plunge into the complex world of adult problems, instead of discussing their interests with their peers. But at the same time, their own problems remain unresolved.

Sixth mistake - money

"More money - better education"

Parents' opinion:

We are too strapped for money, so we can’t even afford to pamper our child; we constantly have to deny him everything, he wears old things, etc. In short, if we had more money, we would be better parents.

Psychologists' opinion:

Money can't buy love - it sounds pretty cliche, but it's true. It often happens that in families with low incomes, adults do everything so that the child does not need anything. But you should not feel remorse for not being able to fulfill all his desires. In fact, love, affection, joint games and leisure time spent together are much more important for your baby than the contents of your wallet. And, if you look at it, it’s not money that makes a child happy, but the realization that he is the BEST for you.

Error seventh - Napoleonic plans

“My child will study music (tennis, painting), I will not let him miss his chance”

Parents' opinion:

Many adults dreamed of doing ballet, learning to play the piano or playing tennis as children, but they did not have such an opportunity. And now the main goal of fathers and mothers is to give their children the best education. It doesn’t matter if the kids don’t really want this, time will pass and they will appreciate the efforts of adults.

Psychologists' opinion:

Unfortunately, children do not always appreciate the efforts of their parents. And often the brilliant future drawn by adults in their imaginations is shattered by the child’s complete reluctance to study, say, music. While the baby is still small and obeys adults, but then... wanting to break out of the cage of parental love, he begins to express protest in ways available to him - this could be taking drugs, or simply being interested in hard rock at night. Therefore, while filling your child’s day with necessary and useful activities, do not forget to leave him some time for personal matters.

Mistake eight: too little affection

“A kiss and other tenderness are not so important for a child”

Parents' opinion:

Caress your little sister? What nonsense! Kiss mom? Cuddle with dad? Yes, there is no time for that. Many adults believe that affection in childhood can lead to problems with sexual orientation in the future. In short, no hugs and kisses - there are more necessary and serious things.

Psychologists' opinion:

Children of any age crave affection; it helps them feel loved and gives them confidence in their abilities. But remember, the desire to cuddle should still, in most cases, come from the child himself. Don't actively impose your love on your children - this can push them away.

Mistake nine - your mood

“Is it possible or not? It depends on the mood"

Parents' opinion:

Troubles at work, bad relationships in the family, how often adults “let off steam” on the child. Many are sure that there is nothing wrong with this. All you have to do is invite your child and buy the long-promised toy, and everything will be fine.

Psychologists' opinion:

Parents should show their child that they are pleased by his good deeds and upset by his bad ones. This creates in children a consciousness of the unshakability of life values. When adults, to please their selfishness and mood, allow something today and forbid it tomorrow, the child can understand only one thing: it doesn’t matter what I do, the main thing is what mom’s mood is. However, if you feel that you cannot change yourself, it is better to agree with your child in advance: “So, when I am in a good mood, you will not be allowed to do whatever you want. And if it’s bad, try to be lenient with me.”

Mistake ten: too little time to raise a child

“Unfortunately, I don’t have any time for you.”

Parents' opinion:

Many adults are very busy at work, but they try to spend every free minute with their children: they take them to kindergarten and school, cook for them, do laundry, buy everything they need. Children themselves must understand that their parents simply do not have time to play and read with them.

Psychologists' opinion:

Adults often forget a simple truth - if you have already given birth to a child, you must find time for him. A child who constantly hears that adults do not have time for him will look for kindred spirits among strangers. Even if your day is scheduled minute by minute, find half an hour in the evening (in this matter quality is more important than quantity) to sit by your baby’s crib, talk to him, tell him a story or read a book. The baby needs this.

The most important thing is, of course, the parent and his own condition. Psychologists love to cite as an example the paragraph from the flight safety instructions: “In the event of depressurization of the cabin, first put the oxygen mask on yourself, then on the child.” Because if you cannot breathe normally, certainly no one and nothing will help the child.

We talked a lot about how important attachment is for a child, how much depends on whether his emotional brain is calm and whether he is not stressed. What's on the other side of the rope called "attachment"? How are things going there?

To be honest, they are not doing well. I often ask parents who come for consultation: “How much during the day do you think about your child’s problems?” And very often I hear in response: “All the time. All day and at night I can’t fall asleep for a long time, or I wake up and think.” People come, tell stories, swallow tears, fiddle with clothes, clasp their fingers. They admit that they have lost peace and joy in life, that their legs can’t carry them home, that their blood pressure is skyrocketing and their heart hurts. Because he doesn’t study, he lies, he’s rude, he doesn’t show up on time, he surfs the Internet almost continuously, he demands money, he doesn’t clean his room—everyone has their own “thing that doesn’t let you live.”

Listen, this is serious. This is no longer just anxiety - it is a real neurosis. “Parental neurosis” - it’s strange that such an official diagnosis has not yet been made. Impaired ability to live normally and enjoy life due to problems with the child. Not with his health, God forbid, but with his behavior, with what he does or does not want to do.

We started the conversation with the fact that parents grumbled about their children as much as this world is worth. But they have probably never been so nervous about problems with children as they are in our time. Never felt so helpless and guilty, never tried so hard, never read books, never turned to specialists - and still did not remain failures in their own eyes. Why is that? There are a lot of reasons.

Here is the increasingly intrusive presence of the “third”, which we have already talked about.

And their own not always cheerful childhood experience, because not all of today’s parents themselves in childhood had the conditions for a reliable and deep attachment to “their” adult. Many grew up mainly in institutions, and from their parents they only heard questions like “Did you wash your hands?” and “What did they deliver today?”

There is also a broader context: we live at the turn of the era, when the old, authoritarian model of education is becoming a thing of the past, and a new one has not yet been established and is in search. It has become important for people not just that the child obeys and “not disgrace the family,” but also the child himself and the relationship with him. To be happy, to love his parents, and not just “respect” them. Psychology added fuel to the fire, revealing how strongly relationships with parents influence children, how they can be traumatized by parental rejection, violence, and indifference. It’s scary - you didn’t seem to want anything bad, and then he would have to suffer all his life.

Naturally, there was a “pendulum effect” when they went to the other extreme, child-centrism. Children are the beautiful flowers of life, they themselves know what they need, you need to treat them as equals, as with friends. Naturally, children’s stress immediately goes through the roof when they are “on equal terms” - after all, every child understands perfectly well that he is a “Very Little Creature” and it is important for him that the parent is stronger, more mature and more important, otherwise life is somehow completely scary. The stress caused the children to run wild, start bossing around and “ordering” the adults, being rude and clearly showing that they weren’t worth a penny. Or, exhausted by stress, they fell into deep apathy and to the horror of their parents, who from birth developed them day and night for a year, dragged them to theaters and exhibitions, compiled lists of “100 books that your child must read,” and by the age of 18, these same the children lay firmly on the sofa and responded to all attempts at communication from their parents: “Fuck off, huh?”

Frightened parents again remembered the “good old traditions” and grabbed the belt, only this doesn’t work now: firstly, the state is categorically against it, and you can easily go to prison for such methods of education, and secondly, the children “didn’t agree that way” and instead of obedience, they react to violence with hatred (at best) or nervous breakdowns and suicide attempts (at worst).

We see all these examples around us, we hear parents of older children complain, and then we encounter difficulties ourselves. If only we didn’t have parental neurosis! And the world around us continues to put pressure on the sore spot, the shelves of bookstores hit our nerves with titles like “After three it’s too late,” and we - and where to go - rush to buy and read - what if I’m already too late? Everything is lost, is my baby doomed to be a loser, trailing behind this life?

At the same time, everyone wants different results from our parenting efforts. If you listen to the school, give it a child who walks on line and follows commands. If it’s the Internet, it’s immediately clear that he must be “indigo” and categorically not fit into the school, otherwise he won’t be “indigo” enough. This is not counting the opinions on this matter of grandparents, neighbors, venerable teachers and religious figures. That is, in reality we have not just one “odd man,” but a whole choir, and everyone in it sings their own song.

So the feeling of one’s own incompetence, inability to raise children correctly and general worthlessness very often visits parents, and if it doesn’t itself, then there is someone to take care of it. However, the rules of attachment remain the same: the parent in the eyes of the child is still the most important person. And it is very important for the child that this person feels good: confident, cheerful, or at least simply calm. By and large, this is much more important for the well-being and development of the child than all other circumstances combined. Next to a calm, confident and completely self-satisfied adult, a child can endure any everyday hardships and hardships without loss, because he does not yet know how it should be, and accepts any circumstances of life as they are. But if an adult is anxious, unhappy and thinks badly about himself, the child, even in ideal conditions, will not be able to live and grow normally - since mom or dad suffers so much from something, it means that everything is really bad.

This is very noticeable when you communicate with people whose childhood was in the first half of the 90s, a time when many families were forced to completely change their way of life, parents lost their jobs, the standard of living fell, although few people experienced real hardships and hunger, rather tormented by anxiety and uncertainty of what would happen next. It’s amazing how differently people remember this time, and those whose families, although their standard of living fell, but still did not live in poverty, can be much more traumatized than those whose parents actually lived for years from potatoes to pasta. Because the parents themselves reacted differently, some were completely lost and despairing, while others maintained presence of mind and a sense of humor.

The parent also has a limbic system. It is there that the second end of attachment is located; it is its state that is important to the child much more than parental words. The emotional brain of the child is in an almost telepathic connection with the emotional brain of the parent; he reads the state of “his” adult unconsciously, bypassing the mind, and is instantly charged with the same feelings. That’s why, for example, we read memoirs about a completely happy post-war childhood, although there was devastation, and hunger, and they were beaten in vain, but in general the adults were on an emotional upsurge and expected good things from the future. And at the same time, my colleagues and I can see deeply unhappy and neurotic children who live in complete luxury, relax in five-star hotels, but their dad is cheating on their mom, their mom feels that her life is lost, and in her bedside table there is a package of “those very » pills, and the nanny and driver take the child to doctors and psychologists, sometimes with eczema, sometimes with tics, sometimes with attacks of aggression.

At the same time, no matter how stable and prosperous we ourselves are in family life, no matter how independent we are from the opinions of others, no one is immune from problems. Children get sick, sometimes seriously. Parents lose their jobs, get divorced, their own parents get sick and then die. There may be troubles or overload at work. And then the child constantly “gets caught up in stories,” and he has to go to school, figure it out, get to grips with it, but there are no more nerves. Yes, and asking for time off every time is so difficult, then you have to take work home and not sleep at night, and when was the last time you slept for eight hours in a row, you simply don’t remember, your whole life is like half asleep, on autopilot. Sound familiar?

Every parent (and every person, to be honest) should know that there is such an unpleasant phenomenon as nervous exhaustion. It arises as a result of long-term, continuous stress - distress, especially associated with other people and their problems, especially with those who depend on us. Nervous exhaustion is caused by the burden of responsibility, the need to constantly empathize, delve into, help, seek a common language, endlessly “take out” mental strength and give it away, sometimes receiving nothing in return for a long time.

Sooner or later the strength runs out. Fatigue sets in, the body and psyche urgently require rest. No matter how it is! There is no time to rest and there is no time to rest; there is still so much to do. Gathering his will into a fist, clenching his teeth, a person through force continues to solve problems, delve into, give, without having time to replenish his emotional “reservoir”. He has a special “stoic” expression on his face, a tired voice and a heaviness throughout his whole body, when it is difficult to even get up from his chair. Constant tension does not let go even when it would seem possible to relax. All thoughts are about business, about problems, the night does not bring relief, because sleep is disturbed. Any conflict unsettles you for a long time, any remark is perceived extremely painfully. Stimulants are used: coffee, tea, energy drinks and relaxing substances, including alcohol.

But this is not exhaustion yet, this is the “before” stage. Sometimes you still manage to rest a little and it becomes easier, sometimes fatigue gives way to a new uplift, and everything seems to be going well. And then it returns with renewed vigor.

It’s sad, but most modern city dwellers live in this state. This has almost become the norm and is not even perceived as a problem. Eternal fatigue, constant background stress, the limbic system no longer has the strength to respond to the siren, there’s just a nasty buzzer constantly sounding, but who listens to it?

If you continue like this, after a month, or a year, or five - who has what margin of safety and who has suffered what kind of tangle of stress - nervous exhaustion actually sets in. Extreme fatigue. Irritability. Tearfulness. Complete indifference, interspersed with outbursts of hysterical anger. A sure sign that the matter is serious is paradoxical fatigue, which is felt most not in the evening, but in the morning, as if you had been loading cars all night. And in the evening, on the contrary, you disperse and cannot sleep for a long time.

The child “simply infuriates” an exhausted parent; it seems that there is nothing good about him, “he is just mocking him.” It is in this state that parents break down and begin to beat, insult, and yell, even if they have never done this before and never even thought that they would. The upper brain completely loses control, you never know what we consider correct and acceptable, those models that we saw in our own childhood, imprinted in our unconscious memory, take over. And some of them are not funny at all. But in a state of exhaustion, even those who at one time swore to themselves that “they would never be like mom (dad)” suddenly find themselves screaming in a completely mother’s voice, breaking into a squeal: “Yes, you all just want me to died!”, not paying attention to the horror in the children’s eyes, or, like dad, he frantically beats the child with a belt, “so that he knows how to mock.”

Then a feeling of guilt appears, which further increases stress. I want to “run away from everything to the ends of the earth”, “throw everything to hell”, “die”. And there are immediately compelling reasons for this, because life is literally going downhill. The immune system suffers greatly, health deteriorates, all chronic diseases worsen and new ones begin. Relationships fall apart, marriages break up. Nothing makes me happy anymore, I don’t want anything. Everything loses its meaning. Complete emotional exhaustion sets in.

As you understand, in such a state it is very difficult to communicate with a child, not just “correctly,” but in any way at all. And the children themselves are horrified by what they pick up from the parent’s emotional brain; frightened by his inappropriate behavior, they become very difficult to communicate with. It makes no sense in such a situation to do anything with the child, take him to psychologists, educate him, teach him. You urgently need to put an oxygen mask on yourself.

But there are problems with this. Many of us, especially women, are raised to believe that taking care of ourselves is selfish. If you have a family and children, there should no longer be any “for yourself”. “How do you recuperate?” - I usually ask my parents. A typical answer, especially from mothers: “No way, I don’t care about that, there’s so much going on.” Or they say something like: “Well, one of these days I’ll definitely go and sign up for the pool, I’ll just sort this out, decide on this and find a session to go with the child, it’s very useful for him.”

This will not work. You can take care of yourself on a residual basis when you are in shape, when the loads are feasible and you have enough regular rest in the evenings, on weekends, on vacation. If things have gone far and you see signs of nervous exhaustion, the system of priorities must be urgently turned upside down. Let the whole world wait. No money, no development tools, no education - nothing can replace you for your child. While you feel bad, he will be unhappy and will not develop normally. In such a situation, investing time and energy in him, trying to improve his behavior is useless. Realize that now you are the weakest and most valuable link. Everything that you invest in yourself now - time, money, effort - everything will benefit your children. This is not a waste, it is an investment in your children, their health and future. And everything that you now scrape out of yourself with the last of your strength will still not help anything, and will completely exhaust you. Realize this yourself and bring it to the attention of others, especially your “third”, even if he is virtual.

Think about what activities restore you? A bathhouse, a walk, meeting with friends, sprucing up your beauty, lying around with a book, drinking tea with your spouse? Everything that helps you personally relax and unwind should be present in your life regularly. Not according to the residual principle, “when it works out,” but absolutely necessarily, “like a bayonet.” If you know for sure that, say, on Saturday evening your grandmother or older brother is sitting with the child, and you can do whatever you want, this will help you get through difficult moments during the week. If rest is not guaranteed, but “either it will be there or not,” its effect is greatly reduced and you may not have time to recover in the allotted time.

Figure out how to arrange an unplanned vacation. Take a ticket to a sanatorium, if traveling is not additional stress for you, buy the cheapest last minute tour anywhere and change the scenery. Or take sick leave and just lie at home.

Give yourself “time-outs”, small breaks before unbearable fatigue sets in. Play a cartoon for the children and calmly drink coffee or take a shower. Forget about the dire warnings from doctors that watching TV for more than 15 minutes a day is very harmful. Believe me, a mother in a state of nervous exhaustion is much more harmful than television. When you are in better shape, you will be able to play and exercise with children.

An important condition is normal sleep. If you continue to lack sleep, exhaustion will not go away. Just lie down and that's it, the sky won't fall to the ground. In general, go into “dump ballast” mode, like in a falling balloon, throw off all the responsibilities and affairs that you can. Sacrifice whatever you can, saving the remaining strength to keep the relationship afloat. On the sidelines, let the floors be unwashed and the laundry unironed (unless cleaning is not a way for you to recuperate), but you will have the strength to smile at your children at least sometimes. Forget about grades at school, even if all the homework is not done, but evening “hugs” before bed are sacred. Don’t be afraid that it will always be like this - you will feel better, and the child will calm down, and together you will catch up with everything. Communicate with those who support and praise you. Avoid everyone who accuses, demands, complains. Not now.

Don’t be ashamed to talk about your condition to others - they will understand you, because everyone has been there. Neurasthenia and nervous exhaustion are not whim, laziness, promiscuity, or “bad character.” This is a disease, and if ignored, its consequences can be very serious. By the way, it is very advisable to visit a neurologist - believe me, he will not be at all surprised by the symptoms you have listed, and light medicinal support can be very useful; sometimes the brain can be brought out of a state of chronic stress only with the help of a course of mild tranquilizers. You yourself can start drinking vitamin complexes containing B vitamins and magnesium, this will replenish the exhausted nervous system.

Later, when you crawl away from the edge, it makes sense to think about how to avoid getting there again. How to stop treating yourself as a means to meet the needs of your family and child. Perhaps it makes sense to do this with the help of a psychologist who will help cope with the merciless internal “third” and separate healthy parental responsibility from debilitating and senseless guilt.

Remember when we said that children always behave not as we tell them, but as we behave ourselves? This also applies to self-care. If you neglect yourself while taking care of your child, later when you are not around, he will also neglect himself. Like mommy. Like daddy. He is your child, your continuation, he will do this out of love for you. But he can love himself if he has seen how you love yourself. Its time to begin.

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The main thing in raising a child is the parents’ awareness of themselves, as well as the corresponding conclusions and changes.

This article contains several examples of sensations, usually unconscious mother, but have a huge influence on the child. If at least the sensations described below are transformed into something much more pleasant, we can consider that the child is lucky and his life will change. Any educational moments such as moral teachings, conversations, exhortations were not nearby.

So, in our unconscious there are a huge number of parts, introjects, pictures, sensations that are usually not conscious. They are constantly in us, they are familiar to us, they “focus”, but we do not pay attention to them. However, there comes a time when we can no longer ignore this whole “background”, since we are talking about our child.

What kind of background is this, what are these unconscious sensations and pictures that influence our children?

1. Guilt

For your actions, for the joy in life, for the manifestation of your Self.

(I already wrote that feelings of guilt and shame).

How does this affect the child: if the mother has a feeling of guilt in the background, then the children will easily learn it. Children's feeling of guilt for everything and everyone does not lead them to anything good. Constant worries, self-doubt, lack of success at school.

Solution to the problem: after the mother realizes the feeling of guilt, transform the guilt into something more pleasant with the help of special psychotechnologies.

2. Internal reluctance to take responsibility and be an adult

When working with the unconscious in neurological and symbolic codes, the mother’s inner “adultness” looks like a child.

How does this affect the child: a non-adult mother is a very heavy burden for children. They rush around, not knowing which side to side with, and subconsciously feel that their mother is not an authority.

And, as a result, the child’s own inner adulthood does not mature either.

Solution to the problem: “raise” the mother so that she feels like an adult and ready to take responsibility for herself and her children.

3. Unresolved conflicts with your own mother

If there are conflicts of this kind (and they usually always exist if a person comes for a consultation), then they need to be resolved, of course.

How does this affect the child: the mother’s constant internal dissatisfaction with her own mother results in irritation with the children. Strange as it may sound, but, unconsciously irritated with her mother, the mother becomes irritated with her child (in the codes of the unconscious, this all looks rather unusual, with different parts and symbols, however, this is the case). Mothers often say that they cannot feel love for their child. And only to one. They don't experience anything like this with others.

Problem solving: conflict resolution. Ideally, work in the codes of the unconscious with the entire maternal family (if there is also the opportunity to work with the paternal family, then we can consider that life is a success).

4. Dissatisfaction with your fulfillment in life

A mother looking after her children on endless maternity leave is, of course, “a loving mother, a homemaker, a woman realizing her feminine destiny,” etc.

In fact, this is a tired, unhappy woman who just can’t take care of herself and what she wants to do.

How it affects the child: It has a terrible effect. Perhaps even worse than a mother who is always absent from home.

When the mother’s main feeling is “I do everything through force, I don’t like anything here, I’m not doing what I love,” the child begins to feel the same. Eventually apathy he is guaranteed. The child is programmed to believe that life is not an interesting thing at all. He ceases to be active and interested. And if young children can still retain their innate passion for life, then in adolescents this state completely disappears.

Solution to the problem: psychotherapy will not hurt here so that the mother feels the strength to break out of the usual vicious circle, but the solution to the problem must be factual - the mother must really take care of herself and what she loves.

5. Unrealized femininity and sexuality.

Over the past 100 years, Russia has somehow managed without it. And nothing. As if.

This is a conversation for a separate post. However, for those who again decided to look into themselves about this and quickly came back, I will say. Is it possible to understand whether it would be good to be a mother without becoming one? Unlikely. You understand what motherhood is when you have a child.

You also understand what femininity and sexuality are when they appear in you.

How does this affect the child: without having this in yourself, you cannot demonstrate it to the child, and he will not recognize this part of life. In addition, the child develops shame associated with this part of life, since the mother most likely also has shame.

Solution to the problem: first, analyze whether everything is in order in this area. And then decide something.

These are just a few of the feelings and sensations of mothers that influence the behavior and well-being of their children. If the feelings on the described topics are strong, then this will have an impact not only on the mental well-being of children, but also on their health.

The saying “The child is sick, treat the mother” is more than true.

Raising children is a complex task that lasts from the moment a child arrives in your family. Sometimes the behavior of their beloved child confuses loving parents, and it seems that there is simply no way out of the current situation. However, there is always a way out, you just need to think about your actions towards the child, analyze your child’s behavior, find out why he behaves intolerably, try to look at the problems of education through the eyes of the child.

Parents should know the basics of child psychology

Communication between parents and child plays an important role in education. Many experts claim that this is the most important and effective way to influence behavior and character in childhood, which will subsequently play a great role in shaping the future personality and outlook on children’s lives.

Below are articles on the topic “child psychology”, “raising a child”, which all parents should read so as not to make mistakes in raising a child.

An article about how to calm children during conflicts

Most parents have no idea how to convince a child to behave calmly, or how to find an approach in childhood with their child.

Raising children who have reached adolescence is a headache for many parents. The child’s psychology changes dramatically, his mood often changes. A few minutes ago, communication with the child’s parents was very pleasing; he was telling adults about his studies, his achievements and his life in society, but after a while the child seemed to be replaced. He begins to be capricious, demand to buy him expensive things or ask to go for a night walk. Don’t let this behavior scare you, since the child’s psyche is changing, this is considered normal behavior in children.

At such a fairly young age, children themselves understand on a subconscious level that they are behaving incorrectly. But still, the stubborn character and stubbornness of the child prevails over reason. Usually in such a situation, parents give up, citing a difficult age. Sometimes they make mistakes in parenting, showing their weakness, giving in to the whims of a teenager. The worst thing is when adults lose their temper due to stress and raise their voices at the child.

A radical change in mood in children, disgusting behavior in childhood can drive anyone crazy, even the most balanced educators.

To avoid quarrels, you need to follow a number of rules:

• If your child has uncontrollable behavior, try to take matters into your own hands. Give him more time, do his favorite things with him;
• Articles about psychology tell us that it is important for children to have free time. Give him a break from everyone and be alone, take care of his worries and affairs;
• If you do lose your temper and yell at your children, then you need to correct the situation as soon as possible. When the situation calms down a little, the child’s psyche returns to normal, you should explain your behavior.

An article about what to do if children experience frequent tantrums and endless whims

The psychology of children is structured in such a way that they try in every possible way to please their relatives and please them. They love increased attention to themselves, they want to feel care, love and warmth.

Based on this, we can say that there are no so-called difficult children, there are only not very attentive parents.

Children throw tantrums at any age and even with the most ideal parents. This is unlikely to be avoided. The child's psyche is disturbed when he begins to show pronounced anger. He can roll on the floor, stomp his feet, throw things around, and even try to fight with his parents.

In raising a child, it is important to understand the cause of such whims and try to fight them, because they inhibit the development of children and contribute to the child becoming a selfish person. The mental health of children needs treatment. The most effective measure in combating such behavior in childhood is to ignore the child’s demands. You can treat this behavior with humor and hug your child. Stay in a balanced state, the most important thing is not to get nervous. Over time, he will understand that his destructive behavior will lead nowhere.

If a child has a tantrum in a crowded place, for example in a shopping center, and you do not want to sort things out with him in front of strangers, take him out into the fresh air in a quiet place.

There the child can be capricious and cry to his heart's content. The child’s psyche should calm down if he throws out all the anger.

At a time when children are in a capricious mood, it will not be possible to talk to him. After the child’s condition improves, it is worth having a conversation with him. Tell him that his behavior really upsets you, you can’t be so capricious over every little thing. Tell him that in the future you hope that the baby will behave more prudently. Let your child know that you will love him no matter what. The psychology of children is designed in such a way that after this heart-to-heart conversation, the child will awaken a feeling of guilt.

The main rule is to always remain calm and not pay attention to his provocation.

An article about how to properly encourage a child so as not to spoil him

When children are 3 years old, he is already well adapted to the world around him. They start to think about what they are doing. Basically, all their actions are aimed at attracting the attention of their parents. He does not always manage to achieve what he needs by behaving exemplarily. Sometimes the child’s psyche understands that bad behavior is a sure step towards attracting the attention of adults. You should not immediately scold your child if he has committed a bad act. Better analyze your actions.

Most children at this age behave impulsively. He can laugh and play calmly, and a minute later start crying for no apparent reason. At an early age, children do not yet know how to control their behavior. Parents should not forget about this. If he does not fulfill the requests of adults, for example, does not put away his toys, he is not demonstrating his harmful character, but is simply busy with his own affairs that are important to him. So far, he still does not know how to instantly think about his actions. The correct reaction of parents in the current situation affects the future development of the child.

The formation of a child’s personality, the child’s healthy and strong psyche, largely depends on the parents’ attitude towards him, as well as the time spent playing in childhood, and the reaction of adults to the child’s bad behavior.

Proper praise and encouragement of children during parenting

It is important for parents not only to punish their child for bad behavior and actions, but also to praise them. You need to learn how to properly praise a child so that he will continue to do good deeds. If you constantly tell your child how good he is at every opportunity, the child will no longer like it. He will take such praise from adults for granted. Therefore, it is necessary to praise your child only for a job well done, for all possible help to adults, for useful actions that he performed, spending his personal time on it. Of course, you should give him compliments, tell him that he did well, that his parents appreciate him very much, but don’t overdo it.

Praising children is only worthwhile. In this case, you should talk to him as sincerely as possible, so that he forever understands that doing good deeds for good is great.

You can respond to positive actions from a child by presenting him with desired gifts for this. In this case, you should also not forget about a sense of proportion. You can use not only sweets and expensive gadgets as a gift. Trips to the circus, theater or cinema will bring joy and bright emotions to the little man. Mom and her daughter can bake some goodies for a mini-holiday. It will be much more interesting than just buying sweets in a store, and besides, the joint actions of an adult and a baby will unite the family and help to better understand children and influence their character.

A number of mistakes made by parents in the process of raising their children

Sometimes parents insist on their own, forcing them to do things that the child does not like. “Do what they ask you, otherwise your parents will stop loving you” - these words can often be heard from tortured parents when the child is stubborn and does not want to fulfill the demands of adults. According to adults, it is useless to convince a child of something and have a heart-to-heart talk with them. He still doesn't give in to persuasion.

Let's listen to the opinion of psychologists on the words of parents “if you do not fulfill my request, then I will stop loving you.” According to experts, children take this threat very seriously.

1. Firstly, deception is not the best method of putting pressure on a child. And such a threat is precisely a deception.
2. Secondly, such a statement is unlikely to have a positive effect on your child. It's better not to deceive your child. Try replacing this threatening phrase with another, for example this one: “I will always love you, but I don’t like your behavior, it makes me very sad.”

Another not very good phrase that is used with children in order to reason with them: “I’m much older than you, I’m dad (mom). It will still be as I say.” Many adults believe that being strict with the younger generation is the best option for upbringing. Parents are much older and more experienced than their children, so they are always right. If you indulge a little person, he will finally “sit on his head” and will not fulfill requests coming from adults.

What will child psychology experts say to this? When completing tasks from adults, motivation is important for children; he must know that his efforts will be properly rewarded. The little person needs to be convinced that he is not trying in vain. If you treat children too strictly, this can lead to a situation where the child will listen and fulfill your requests only in your presence. But when there is no one at home, the baby will engage in sabotage, doing everything to upset the parents. A strict attitude is of course necessary, but you shouldn’t go too far. If you don’t have time to persuade your child, promise that you will definitely reward him for his work later, if he does all the work.